RICHARD: There's no such things as angels.
DE CARABAS: And I suppose there's no rat-speakers,
no shepherds in Shepherd's Bush?
There are no shepherds in Shepherd's Bush!
The only way I know to get to Islington is very long and very dangerous.
DOOR: Earl's Court has all the short cuts in the Underside.
I'm afraid I'm not exactly flavour of the month in Earl's Court, my lady.
Still, we can burn that bridge when we come to it.
RICHARD: Let me get this straight.
We have to go to Islington to see an angel,
and the quickest way is through Earl's Court?
What a refreshing mind you have, Richard Mayhew.
There really is nothing quite like total ignorance, is there?
It's Lear, isn't it?
We're off to Earl's Court.
Would you happen to have a timetable about your person?
What would be in it for me ifI did?
They say that Merlin's master, Blaze,
once wrote a reel so beguiling
it would charm the coins from the pockets of anyone who heard it.
That would be worth more than just a timetable, Marquis, if you had it.
Why, then you'd owe me, wouldn't you?
Let me hear the reel first, you old trickster.
(GENTLE MUSIC)
(STRUMS THE TUNE)
(MUSIC AND STRUMMING STOP)
I owe you a favour, then, you rascal.
Yes, you do.
Don't overuse it - a little goes a long way.
(STRUMS THE TUNE)
(COINS CLINKING)
Mind the gap!
What?!
Just mind the gap.
The Earl's Court train will be here in ten minutes.
Earl's Court isn't on the Central line.
Just stand over there.
TANNOY: Mind the gap.
Good evening. I am the Marquis de Carabas.
I've agreed to help a young lady called Door find out who killed her family.
I've obtained a bodyguard for her and I'm looking after her
as if she were the most important thing under the world,
which she may in fact be.
Unfortunately, she has insisted on bringing along
a stray from London Above...
...over my protests.
There's going to be trouble...trouble...trouble.
(FROG CROAKS)
(SPLAT)
We should butcher the bitch.
Annul, cancel,
inhume and amortise her.
(PHONE RINGS)
Mr Croup here.
Oh, it's you!
At present, as you requested, she is walking around as free as a daisy.
- (GOLF CLUB SWINGS) - (SPLAT)
What about the Upworlder, then?
Why can't we kill him?
Scare him?
We're cut-throats, assassins,
- not scarecrows! - (CROAKING)
- (GOLF CLUB SWINGS) - (SPLAT)
I remind you that Mr Vandemar and I burnt down Troy!
(YELLS)
Who was that?
Who the hell do you think it was?
A sca recrow?
Our employer!
Sca recrows!
Best way to scare crows,
you just creep up behind them,
put your hand round their little crow necks,
and squeeze till they don't move any more.
That scares the stuffing out of them!
(CROAKS)
Who knocks?
The Lady Door,
and her companions.
Halt!
State your business.
We seek an audience with His Grace, the Earl.
What does the young girl say, Halvard?
They seek an audience, Your Grace!
They do? Splendid!
Who are they?
I am the Lady Door. Lord Portico was my father.
Portico's oldest girl?
Oh, come down here!
Come, come, let me look at you.
We were all devastated to hear of your father's...
Well, all your family ills.
He tried to bring us all together, you know?
I had the warmest regards for him.
Full of ideas!
Who else is with you? Who are you?
Me?
Um...
Er...my name?
It's Richard Mayhew.
May...?
Nuncle, 'tis not a man, but a moon-calf.
And this is my bodyguard. Her name is Hunter.
The H u nte r?
The same, Your Grace.
I heard you went away.
I came back.
Go on! Say something funny.
My hound hath no nose.
What's he doing here?
DOOR: The Marquis has agreed to help me, Your Grace. He's my...
I will not stand for it. I will not! Make him come forward.
I know you, De Carabas.
I haven't forgotten. I may be old, but I haven't forgotten!
Might I respectfully remind His Grace that we had a deal?
I negotiated the peace treaty between you and Ravenscourt.
In return, you agreed to provide a little favour.
Little favour!
Is that what you call it?
I lost a dozen men to yourfoolishness!
I lost an eye in the retreat from White City!
And if I may say, Your Grace, that's a very fetching patch.
It sets Off your face perfectly.
Your Grace, De Carabas is here with me as my companion.
He's abused my trust!
I swore that if ever he entered my domain again,
I'd have him gutted and dried like...
Something that's gutted and dried. Er...
Perchance a kipper, my lord?
It's of no matter. Guards, seize him!
I will take an act of violence against my companion
as an act of aggression against myself and my house!
But I won't have him here.
My lady, I obviously would be of more use to you Off this train than on,
and I do have other avenues to explore.
Just get off!
And next time...
...kipper!
I'll see myself out.
Where are my manners?
You must be hungry after yourjourney.
Halvard!
Right!
What brings you here to me?
Indirectly, Your Grace, my father's death.
You seek vengeance.
I seek the Angel Islington.
- (CROWD SHOUTING) - (COINS CLINKING)
Get back!
Leave me alone! Get away!
(CROWD SHOUTING)
Move back!
Keep away from me!
I told you not to overuse it. Naughty!
- Help me! - There is a counter-charm.
Anything!
(DISCORDANT MUSIC PLAYS)
(MUSIC STOPS)
Well, what favour is it this time? Theft? Arson?
Murder.
Theft, I'm afraid.
I find myself in rather urgent need of a piece of Tang dynasty sculpture.
A toast to our guests!
A child, a bravo and a fool.
May they each get what they deserve.
In the old days, we drank wine.
I preferred wine.
It was much less sticky.
He's agreed to help us. Come on - he's meeting us in the library.
RICHARD: Library?
MAN: Will you two stop squabbling? You're driving me mad!
"Erk-erk" all the time, never stop. Erk-erk-erk!
- Erk-erk! - Anybody home?
Who is it?
Oh! Oh, it's you.
What do you want? Knowledge or birds?
I need some information.
There's a turn-up for the books.
(TRAIN RATTLES)
Psst!
Ah! There you are!
Now...
...there's a reason why I asked you to come here.
It'll come to me.
The Angel Islington, Your Grace?
I sent old Portico to Islington, the first time he came to me.
And how do we get there?
Only once down the quick way.
After that, you must take the long way down.
Dangerous!
And the quick way is...?
No! No.
No. Need to be an Opener to use it.
Only good for Portico's family.
Your Grace, I am Portico's eldest daughter.
Of course you are!
How is your father?
Keeping well, I hope?
Fine man.
How do we get to the Angel Islington?
Use the Angelus, of course!
There you go. It's all in there.
And I suppose I'd better drop you off where you need to go.
You'll drop us off? In a train?!
Oh, think nothing of it!
Anything for Portico's daughter.
(HE CH UCKLES)
Information? What will you trade me for it?
What do you need?
Maybe I should do what you do -
ask for a favour in return as an investment.
Much too expensive, in the long run.
Well, Shoes, then. And a balaclava.
And... And some new gloveses.
- It's gonna be a bastard winter. - Very well. I'll bring them to you.
Now, what can you tell me about this?
That's... That's the Great Beast of London!
They say that way back before the Plague and the Fire,
there was a butcher, lived down by the Fleet Ditch.
He had this creature, poor creature
he was fattening up for Christmas, but it runned away.
It-It ran into the Fleet - vanished into the sewers.
It fed on the sewage and it grew and it grew,
and it got meaner and nastier.
They sent in hunting parties after it.
They never came back.
It must have died 300 years ago.
(SCOFFS) Things like that, they're too vicious to die, too old and big and nasty.
I thought it was just a legend,
like the alligators in the sewers of New York.
What, the big white ones? 0h, they're down there.
I had a friend lost a head to one of them.
He was all right - he had another one!
Hey! How about this, then? Are you ready to take it back?
Fair gives me the creeping shivers having it around.
I'll take it back when all this is over.
Let's hope you don't have to use it.
How will I know ifI don't?
You'll know.
And the rats will tell you what to do with it.
I hope I never finds out, that's all I can say!
0i!
Don't forget the shoeses and gloveses.
(TRAIN RATTLES)
What station is this?
DOOR: British Museum.
But there isn't a British Museum station.
There isn't?
Then you must be velycareful getting off.
(CACKLES)
Hear that, Tooley?
I'm as funny as you are!
My mirth is positively uncontainable, Your Grace.
Off, off.
Good bye, good bye.
(SIGHS) This is all wrong.
It was closed down in about 1933 and sealed off.
Are there many places like these? This is bizarre.
About 50.
Up there...through that door.
It's sealed off. We'd need special tools.
Richard, my family? We're Openers. It's our talent.
- You are going to London Above? - Yeah. British Museum.
I am your bodyguard in London Below.
- I cannot go with you to London Above. - Hunter,
- you're my bodyguard. - I must stay in London Below.
But you have to!
My Lady, I cannot.
Right. Come on, Richard.
Look, why don't we all stay down here together?
And then we can find the Marquis and we can all go together.
Dooï¬‚
It's all in there.
We get in, find the Angelus, we get out.
Easy. Nothing to it.
- Close your eyes. - "Nothing to it"?
Every time someone says that in films,
it always means something awful's going to happen.
(WHOOSH)
(GROWLING)
(TUBE TRAIN RUMBLES)
(GRUNTING)
(YELLS)
(RICHARD SIGHS)
DOOR: You can open your eyes now.
Iwish I'd stayed downstairs with the bodyguard.
Shit.
What? No Mr "I'm SO Clever, I Know Everything" Marquis?
NO "Oh, Didn't I Tell You, Whoops, I Can't Go Upstairs" Hunter?
Well, paint me grey and call me a dire wolf
if it isn't two little lost lambkins out on their own after dark.
- Leave us alone. - If you want to hurt her
- you'll have to kill me first. - All right.
Thanks!
That's not why we're here right now.
No, we're here to make things more interesting.
- You visited Earl's Court today. - So?
How did we know that? How did we know where to find you now?
- Can get to you any time at all. - You've been sold out, little ladybird.
There's a traitor in your nest.
A cuckoo.
Come on!
Bid them farewell, Mr Vandemar!
Bye-bye.
No, no, no, no!
Au revoir!
Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
(HE HOWLS)
- (HOWLING) - A traitor?
They'rejust winding us up, trying to scare us.
They're doing a good job of it, too.
According to this, the Angelus is just through there.
The Angelus is...what?
This just says it's got a picture of an angel on it.
It can't be that hard to find.
I mean, how many things with angels on them are there here?
I saw that!
Jessica, it's 7.30. They're going to riot!
The invitation said seven.
Don't exaggerate, Clarence. Mr Stockton is on his way.
He must have his private view first.
Right. Executive decision.
- I'm letting them in. - No! If you...
(GUESTS GASP)
Baroness!
(SHE MOUTHS)
- All right? - I've already had to stop
a couple of tosspots carving their initials on the Rosetta Stone.
I hate these functions.
I told you - it's The Masque Of The Red Death all over again.
The decadent elite parties while civilisation crumbles about their ears.
Thank you, Gerald.
Last one Of these dO's, we found someone had puked in a sarcophagus.
If you're part of London Below, they normally don't even notice you exist
unless you stop and talk to them, and even then they forget you.
- ButI saw you. - I know. Isn't that odd?
Everything's odd.
- How do you know that? - Ijust know.
(BELL CHIMING)
Scare her. Scare her!
That we should be brought to this!
Should have followed my idea.
It would have scared her lots more
if I'd pulled his head off while she wasn't looking
then put my hand up through his throat and wiggled my fingers about.
They always scream when the eyeballs fall out.
Why get so squeamish at this stage in the game?
I'm not squeamish, Mr Croup.
I like it when the eyeballs fall out.
- Peepers and tarrywags. - Not you! The guv'nor.
Kill them, kidnap them, scare them - why doesn't he make up his mind?!
(FLAPPING)
Oh, well caught, Mr Vandemar!
Still, we put the cat amongst the pigeons.
(CRUNCH)
(MURMUR OF CONVERSATION)
RICHARD: Would you think I was being picky
if I pointed out that trying to find something in here with an angel on it
is like trying to find a needle in a...? Oh, my God, it's Jessie.
Well, as long as you don't do anything stupid like talk to her,
she won't notice you.
Food!
See anything? It's like playing Spot the Pigeon in Trafalgar Square.
There's nothing that feels like the Angelus.
The paper said I'd know it when I saw it.
How are you, Jessica?
Are you with the media? You have the advantage...
You'reJessica Barton.
You're a marketing executive at Stockton's.
You're 26, your birthday's April 23rd,
and in the throes of extreme passion, you have this disconcerting tendency
of humming the Monkees song I'mA Bel/ever.
Is this some kind of a joke?
Oh, and, er, we've been engaged for the last 18 months.
(SCOFFS) I rather think I'd know if I'd been engaged to someone
for the last 18 months, Mr...?
Mayhew. Richard.
You chucked me,
and I don't exist any more.
Be right with you!
# I'm a believer! I couldn't leave her if I tried... #
I think you'd better call security.
- 0K. Why? - Just...
Just get me security.
Mr Stockton, sir. Lovely to see you. Just come through...
I'll announce the Speech.
Welcome to the British Museum
and to the Stockton-sponsored exhibition Angels Over England,
and to the man behind it all, our chief executive
and chairman Of the board, Mr Arnold Stockton.
(APPLAUSE)
Right. Well, this won't take long.
When Iwas a young boy, I used to come to the British Museum every Saturday
because it was free
and we didn't have much money.
But I'd...
...climb up the big steps to the museum, then I'd come round the back here
down to this room and...
...look up at this angel.
It was like it knew what I was thinking.
But, like anything that's let go,
the angel decayed, fell apart,
went rotten.
It's taken a shitful of money,
and a dozen craftsmen have spent some considerable time
restoring it, fixing it up.
From here, the exhibition will gO to America, then round the world.
Maybe it'll inspire some other poor little...
...penniless bugger to get his own media empire.
What next?
(CROWD GASPS)
The Angelus!
Richard, come on!
Excuse me, sir, can I have a word with you?
Get out of my way!
(GRUNTING)
(ECHOING SCREAM)
Sorry. Wrong London.
(SCREAM CONTIN U ES)
(WIND HOWLS)
(CONVERSATION RESTARTS)
- I think that went rather well. - Right.
What's that security guard doing in here?
I...
I'll deal with it, Jessica.
(DRIPPING)
(CLICK)
Hello, boys.
I thought it high time I came down here in person to talk to you.
What do you want?
What does anybody want?
Dead things.
Extra teeth.
I thought perhaps we could make a deal.
(LAUGHS) Oh, my dear Marquis!
I think I can confidently state
with no risk of contradiction from any parties here present
that you have taken leave
Of whatever senses you are reputed to have had!
You are, if you will permit the vulgarism,
completely Off your head!
Say the word, Mr Croup, and it'll be off his neck before he can sayJack Ketch.
I have always thought that violence was the last refuge of the incompetent.
And empty threats the final refuge Of the terminally inept.
What are you doing here?
The Lady Door?
Yes.
It is a great honour finally to meet you and your companion.
I am the Angel Islington.